Outpourings from a Tortured Soul!

[David Nicholson]

Don'tcha just lurve technology!!

Our washing machine, which has been a loyal member of the family for around 11 years has been showing it's age lately by making some rather odd noises (apparently this is also seen, by some!!, as a trait shared by your author. A few days ago around breakfast time, just after Mrs N had loaded it up (at this point I should clarify that said Mrs N, judging by her regular and consistent use of this particular machine, takes in washing for the whole of Devon) and I was contemplating the devourement of a rather expertly cooked bacon sandwich with added tomato ketchup (or as Mrs N would say a tomato ketchup sandwich with added bacon) the machine uttered a "whoosh" followed by a flash and then--- a silence.

Now this caused some consternation as Mrs N attempted to work out how she might (a) open the machine door (b) remove her smalls from it and (c) then get rid of the copius amount of water from the machine's inner sanctum. I could offer little by way of assistance as I was heavily involved in devourement of the bacon sandwich and the editorial page of The Times. After the utterence of many expressions I have rarely heard her use before she did manage to open the door and to extract her smalls but much of the water proved impossible and the telephone was used to summon the local washing machine repair man.

Of course this seemed to be the day that all the domestic appliances in the entire South Western peninsula had gone on the blink. Also there was all of a couple of centimeters of snow on the ground which meant that not only was there no washing being done in Devon and Cornwall but the whole place was gridlocked. Thus, said repair man took some tracking down but when we did so we were told he would be at our service..... but not for a couple of days.

Mrs N, and I bow to her superior technical expertise, had formed the opinion that the machine was unlikely to be repairable anyway and thus I was dragged off to Plymouth to assess the washing machine market position, and more will be revealed in part 2 if you can stand it.

[ronm]

Its been awhile since these outpourings became compulsory reading............ but now they're back!! I, for one, am very much looking forward to the next installment, 

signed - Noah John Rondeau

[David Nicholson]

Part 2.

The task of market assessment was not as easy as it used to be as the combined effects of the recession and The Internet appear to have had a dire effect on the washing machine retail trade. As Mrs N, somewhat voluably asserted "You can't ask The Internet if a machine's capable of a slow spin on timesave" I paraphrase here since I lack Mrs N's technical and practical knowledge of washing machine terminology and wouldn't recognise a "slow spin" from anywhere else other than the cricket field. Oh! I should have added that prior to our departure arrangements had been made to finish the extracted washing in a neighbour's machine.

There was much consternation on reaching the shops as it was soon found out that these days washing machines are available only in white or silver and all Mrs N's current kitchen  domestic appliances are in a fetching cream colour under the prosaic title of 'Natural Linen'. Nonetheless many questions were asked, some answers were given but a final decision was put on hold pending views from the repair man when he eventually turned up. I was satisfied in that I was able to avoid the very unsettling palpitations I seem to get when I'm require to produce my credit card!

After two days repair man arrived complete with lap top in one hand and a bunch of screw drivers in 'tother but he got off to a pretty bad start. It was raining, of course and he, not having taken off his boots at the door left wet footprints all over the hall carpet. No direct action was taken against him but I got it in the neck after he'd gone and I happened to be in the greenhouse looking at frozen pots when he came. Such is the role of husbands! "Yes I think it's repairable " he said "But it won't be cheap it's the computer that's gone" and thus started my palpitations again, and off he sped to order the parts. Another two days elapsed with Mrs N sub-contracting washing to any willing neighbours in the street. This rather reminded me of my Grandma and her Monday task with the rest of her street in the communal wash-house, and the enveloping steam, smells and noise so produced. I made the mistake of referring to this to Mrs N who appeared not to be overly sympathetic to this gem of English domestic history! More in Part 3, again if you can stand it.

[ronm]

More in Part 3, again if you can stand it.

Oh! I am sure we can David, 

If you don't hear from me again ............... then I was wrong!!

[ronm]

 

[David Nicholson]

Regular readers may wish to know that for some reason part 3 was written, posted.... and then disappeared into the ether never to return. It will be written again for the sake of completeness!!

At which point I shall respond Ron.

[ronm]

 
Now whats 'appening wi' that washing machine???

[David Nicholson]

Part 3 (version 2)

A further two days elapsed before repair man turned up again new computer unit in hand and with screw driver in hand and, this time was advised to remove his boots. He prupousfully approached the silent monstrosity next to the sink. After a short while "There, job done", he said "Just got to switch on" and so he did. The silent monstrosity lit up like Blackpool Illuminations, uttered a groan, followed by a whoosh and then a flash. "Oh, it looks like it's gone again" he said "Must be another problem as well" Just before he was strongly advised that he had uttered the understatement of the year he added "I'll need to take some technical advice, so I'll give you a ring"

Mrs N visibly shook as I sped off to the neighbours to arrange further sub-contracting situations.

He phoned, last night, "I'll be with you at around 1000 in the morning" he said "But it might not be reparable"..... and we're still waiting. My palpitations have started already and Mrs N silently weeps in the corner with the contents of her under-the-sink cupboard (and you know what under-the-sink cupboards are like)artfully spread around her kitchen.

Will there be a PART 4?  Maybe I should tell you about the car which, at the same time the troubles with the silent monstrosity stared also developed a fault (or perhaps "clang" would be a better word). Here the repair man could just as well have been a member of the panel of the quiz show QI and waved the "nobody knows" card. Or maybe the saga of the outside light next to the front door!!!!

[ronm]

But of course, or anyone getting the wrong idea about the fair maidens of the Ridings ............... a story of three men!! .....

THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A Yorkshire lass

The first man married a woman from Essex. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Sussex. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a lass from Yorkshire. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
He still has some difficulty when he pees.

Part 4 please!!

[Michael J Campbell]

 

[annew]

Right on, sister!

[Anthony Darby]

Whe I read part one I thought I'd have time to read 'Les Miserables' before part 2, but no, it came almost instantly.  Our washing machine surely can't be as complicated? For a start, you put the washing in the top. There is this thing in the middle that moves a little and the washing just about. Not convinced it's as good as our old Bendix front loader.

[fermi de Sousa]

Whe I read part one I thought I'd have time to read 'Les Miserables' before part 2, but no, it came almost instantly.  Our washing machine surely can't be as complicated? For a start, you put the washing in the top. There is this thing in the middle that moves a little and the washing just about. Not convinced it's as good as our old Bendix front loader.

The thing in the middle is called "the agitator"  ---  hmmm, seems appropriate for this Forum
cheers
fermi

[Darren]

Loved this story David! 

When we bought our second washing machine we said to the spotty herbert playing at salesman in the shop that the previous one had  lasted 16 years. He said 'Oh you won't get 16 years out of one now'.

What, exactly, have they forgotten about building washing machines?

The answer is, of course, nothing. But to keep the purchase price down and their profits up they con us by building cheaply so they can sell us another one in a couple of years time..

[ranunculus]

What's a washing machine?