Good "One Liners"

[Paul T]

I think it was Lesley Cox on this forum who delivered this one . .

"I've told you a million times not to exaggerate"

Thank you Lesley!

Merry Christmas everyone.

Heather,

That's one I use all the time as well.  It usually gets a laugh in conversation.  I've always thought it was quite widespread in use.... but maybe just a bottom of the world thing?

[Lesley Cox]

"It costs a lot of money to look as cheap as this."

That reminds me of Anna Russell. Anyone remember Anna Russell? My mother used to remark that she (AR) must be able to play the bagpipes superbly, in order to play them so badly.

[Maggi Young]

"Just hand over the chocolate and no one will get hurt" - Maggi Young?

johnw

[Maggi Young]

One of my favourites........ seldom hear it though......

[John Kitt]

Must have been a woman that said that.

Some of my favorite one-liners by women include-

The way I see it , if  you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain - Dolly Parton

Whoever said 'It's not whether you win or lose that counts, probably lost' -  Martina Navratilova

There is only one real sin and that is persuade yourself that second-best is anything but second best - Doris Lessing.

[johnw]

“Health nuts are going to feel stupid some day, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.”  - Redd Foxx

johnw

[Gerry Webster]

No one seems to have mentioned the Groucho Marx classic:

"I would never join any club that would have me for a member."

[David Nicholson]

.... and another one from Groucho

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it"

and a couple from Jimmy Carr.

It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.

I was walking the streets of Glasgow last night and saw this sign "This door is alarmed" I said to myself, how do you think I feel!

[PDJ]

"Football is a game of two equal halves"

Sports presenter I don't know which one now.

[Gerry Webster]

Let us not forget Woody Allen:

"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying."

[Anthony Darby]

Claude Monet once met Vincent van Gogh in a café. Monet said to Vinvent "would you like a cognac Vincent?". The reply came back: "I've got one 'ear".

[art600]

Thought from the Greatest Living  Scottish Thinker. Billy Connolly -

"If women are so bloody perfect at  multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same  time?

[FrazerHenderson]

"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather; not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car"

[FrazerHenderson]

Urgent: Telepath required.......you know where to apply.

[FrazerHenderson]

Here's a golden rule - those that have the gold rule

or

Those who call it necking clearly have no knowledge of anatomy