Good "One Liners"

[David Nicholson]

I like the Telepath one.

Three from Tim Vine.

Velcro! What a rip off

Black Beauty. He's a dark horse

I saw this bloke chatting up a Cheetah. I thought "He's trying to pull a fast one"

[Maggi Young]

I LOVE Tim Vine..... his one-liners are just the best since Chic Murray, in my opinion.


"I was in a Chinese restaurant when a duck came up to me with a rose and
said: 'Your eyes sparkle like the stars'. So I said to the waiter: 'Excuse me, I ordered aromatic duck!!!!!!'

[David Nicholson]

 

[FrazerHenderson]

I was going to be an atheist until I realised they don't have holidays

[Lesley Cox]

Someone said "I'm an atheist, thank God."

[Gerry Webster]

Someone said "I'm an atheist, thank God."

Luis Buñuel.

[FrazerHenderson]

It's a real shame that all the people who know how to run the country are busy cutting hair, driving taxis or writing on the SRGC Forum. (apologies to George Burns)

40 years in the desert and Moses takes us to the only place in the near east without oil! (attributed to Golda Meir)

Yiddish telegam: "Start worrying. Details to follow."

[FrazerHenderson]

and here's a cracker , literally

What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea.

[Colin]

My brother was an only child

[daveyp1970]

its pretty rough were i live i went to close my living room window and somebody pinched my watch

[FrazerHenderson]

I see corduroy pillows have been making headlines again.

[David Nicholson]

I see corduroy pillows have been making headlines again.

 

[FrazerHenderson]

Surveyors....they're level-headed.

[David Nicholson]

Good to see you still dragging 'em up Frazer

4 from the late and lamented Chic Murray:-

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

If somethings neither here nor there, where the hell is it?

I had a tragic childhood-my parents never understood me. They were Japanese.

I first met my wife in the tunnel of love. She was digging it.

[Colin]

Chic Murray? My boyhood hero! Saw him many times at The Palladium in Edinburgh (1950s)

' I was at the beach yesterday. A fellow next to me kept thowing a stick in the water and shouting 'Fetch it' -I was up to my knees before I realised he had a dog with him.

Saw a girl at the side of the road, stopped the car and said ' Would you like a lift?
No thanks 'she said 'I live in a bungalow.

She seemed a bit fresh as she asked if I could drive with one hand.  Why? I asked, have you got sandwiches?

Was on a bus yesterday and the conductor dropped his bag of money. I stooped down to help up pick it up.  No thanks, he said, the change will do me good.